[07/21/2022 – Best Jurassic Park Reviews on Yelp]
- – “★☆☆☆☆ All the bathroom lines went through Velociraptor Field – gramma couldn’t run that fast and now we can’t use her Handicapped parking pass.”
- “★☆☆☆☆ – These dinoburgers all have meat in them – they didn’t have vegan options in the cretaceous period??”
- “★★★★★ – Love that parking attendant who welcomed us to the park by screaming in the bushes behind the visitor center. So realistic, I thought he was actually being attacked!”
- “★★☆☆☆ – Disappointed. Gift Shop doesn’t include XXXXL shirts for us brontosaurus-sized guys.”
- “★☆☆☆☆ – I don’t think that was the real Dr. Malcolm in that costume.”
- “★★☆☆☆ – The Jeep tour was great, the boat tour was great, zipline through T-Rex Territory was great. However, I got a rash from the free hand sanitizer so two stars overall.”
- “★★★☆☆ – Could that Tyrannosaurus Rex roar BE any louder?? My children were traumatized!”
- “★★☆☆☆ – I had to alert staff that a baby Mosasaurus was in the kids paddling pool. They need more supervision over there.”
- “★☆☆☆☆ – Golf course attendants had a real attitude. Kept babbling about ‘worker death’ and ‘Dilophosaurus over by the fourth hole.’ Keep your problems to yourself, I have a 9:15 tee time!!”
And the #1 Answer …
- “★☆☆☆☆ – Dino poop. Dino poop everywhere.”
07/07/2022 – Worst New Star Trek Shows
10. As Seen on Star Trek – Ron Popeil Co showcases Star Trek technology you can own for four easy payments of $39.95!* *Actual technology may not work
9. Wesley’s Angels – Wesley finds four Academy drop outs and hires them to solve sexy crimes!
8. Klingon’s Heroes
7. The Misadventures of Sheriff Lorca
6. Leave It to Neelix
5. Gowron the Explorer – Move over, Dora! Gowron is going to discover strange new worlds for the glory of the Empire!
4. The Streets of Quark and Sisko
3. Nog with a Blog
2. Real Housewives of Deep Space Nine
And the #1 Answer …
- Keeping Up with the Cardassians
[06/30/2022 – Worst New Disney Star Wars Shows]
10. Keeping Up with the Cassian
9. Knight Riders of the Old Republic
8. Hutt Street Blues
7. Better Call Solo
6. Wookie and the Bandit
5. The Honey-That’s No Moon-er’s
4. Better Call Saw Gerrera
3. Fett is Enough
2. Breaking Bad Batch
And the #1 answer …
- Game of Thrawns
Honorable Mentions
- Faulty Towers: The Truth Behind the Spire atop the Jedi Temple on Coruscant
- Doctor Utinni
- Stranger Squadron Things
- The Walking Jedi
- Jedi People’s Court Featuring Darth Sidius and Doug Lewelling!
- The Twilight Zone Six (I don’t get this one, can someone help me?)
- Moonshiners: The Bad Batch
- The Red Green Show – a long-form discussion about Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker’s lightsabers
- This Old Junkyard with Watto
- Golden Girls: C3PO embraces his feminine side when he moves into a home with three other elderly protocol droids – hilarity ensues!
- Hutt of Karddes
- Saturday Night Filve
[For Thursday 06/09/2022 – Top Ten Worst Stranger Things Season 4 Predictions ]
- Kids start listening to ‘We Build This City’ by Starship and makes it into an Internet thing for, reasons.
- Hopper is the reason Disney creates ‘Park Hopper’ tickets
- More 80s fashion resurrections – shoulder pads on Joyce, Steve gets a scrunchie
- Mike and Eleven re-enact the ‘Take on Me’ video
- 80s stunt casting! Guest appearances by Lee Majors, Scott Baio, and Kirk Cameron
- Demagorgon revealed to be plant from Little Shop of Horrors after thirty seconds in a microwave
- Karen Wheeler becomes actual Karen, asks to speak to Upside Down’s manager – hilarity ensues!
- The kids challenge the Upside Down to a breakdancing contest, Beat Street-style.
- Last show ends with 80s show-style sad piano where we all learn a lesson, freeze frame, and then a ‘MTM Enterprises’ kitten meow
And the #1 answer …
- Hawkins Lab creates new mutant: Ryan Seacrest
Honorable Mentions
Murray abandons Joyce and Hopper to star in an off-Broadway production of Waiting for Gadot
All answers were anonymous, so no prizes given, but great job all around! You weirdos are funny, I’ll give you that. 🙂
[For Thursday 06/02/2022 – “Why did you flunk out of Starfleet?” Top Ten Best Answers]
10. The nude Gorn incident
9. Note to self – hacking the Kobayashi Maru scenario is only okay when Kirk does it
8. Watching Star Wars in Ten-Forward
7. The correct response to an admonition from superior officer is not ‘Get over it.’
6. Broadcast Klingon war cries over the Spacedock PA – hilarity ensued
5. Settled debates between secular humanism, Ferengi philosophy and Vulcanism with dance-offs.
4. Poured a Warp Core Breach into a Warp Core … subsequently breached.
3. Performed Vulcan mind meld with a plate of nachos at diplomatic dinner
2. Am Wesley, told Picard ‘No, you shut up!’
And the #1 answer …
- Told everyone Q was the person behind Q-Anon
[For Thursday 05/26/2022 – Your best Scifi pick up / rejection lines]
10. I’m the droid you’re looking for. / You’re a little short to be my stormtrooper
9. “Urkuk lu Stalga.” That’s Klingon for ‘I love you baby.’ / “naDevvo’ yIghoS.” That’s Klingon for ‘piss off.’
8. Do you like Science? Because I’ve got my ion you! / Look again, because you smell like an anion (onion)
7. Do you have 11 protons? Because you’re Sodium fine! / Close, I’m sodium chloride; tonight I’m a little salty
6. We don’t need a holodeck. I’ll make all your fantasies come true. / Pretty sad if all my fantasies included you.
5. Are you a sith lord? Because I’ve Fallen for you. / No, I’m a Jedi. That means no attachments.
4. Hope you’re into cyborg-human relationships because I’m feeling like a love machine right now. / Better reset you to factory settings, it looks like you thought that line would work
3. Hey girl, you are the Obi-Wan for me! / You’re looking for love in Alderaan places!
2. What’s your phaser’s setting at? Because when I saw you I was stunned. / You must be a red shirt, your chances with me are dead.
And the #1 Answer:
- We fit together like the sticky ends of recombinant DNA. / Great line, but your thymine is off
[For Thursday 05/19/2022 – Top Ten Souvenirs in the Firefly Universe Gift Shop]
10. Old-West guns that shoot lasers – don’t ask how that’s supposed to work, it’s Firefly!
9. Kaylee’s DIY Engine Repair for Beginners
8. Wash Brand Air Fresheners – Leaf on the Wind scent
7. Shepherd Book’s Books – Spirituality and Violence in the Intergalactic Era
6. Browncoat Milspec Outdoor Wear
5. Alliance Fuel Coupons – Never be ‘Out of Gas’ again!
4. Blue Sun coffee – a must-have for your next ‘cry baby.’
3. River Tam’s flashcard game – no rules – readers will already know how to play!
2. Fruity Oaty Bars!
And the #1 Answer:
- In the clearance section: Joss Whedon’s career
[For Thursday 05/12/2022 – “So, why did Darth Vader choke you?” Top Ten Best Answers]
10. Told him, ‘haha, that doesn’t hurt.’
9. I work in the laundry – Mixed his red Sith undies with Stormtrooper whites
8. Changed the music on his Imperial shuttle without asking
7. Told him green lightsabers ‘were cooler.’
6. Am a Stormtrooper. Actually hit something.
5. Attached his picture to a War Criminal poster
4. Changed my Stormtrooper ID to THX1138 – he didn’t see the humor
3. Called the ship’s medical officer “Dr. Feelgood” after being ordered not to
2. Tried to sell Imperial Star Destroyer as ‘military surplus.’
And the #1 Answer:
- Never tell ‘Your momma’ jokes around Darth Vader
Honorable Mentions
- Used AT-AT to ‘squish things.’
- Put Icy-Hot on TIE fighter pilot urine collectors
- On Imperial documents, put my species down as ‘Little Green Dude.’
[For Thursday 05/05/2022 – Top Ten Arrakis High School Sports Team Names
10. Ginaz School SandWorms
9. Bene Gesserit Giants
8. Duncan Idaho Memorial High Swordmasters
7. Harkonnen Huskies
6. Baron Vladimir School for Children Vampires
5. Bene Gesserit Pain Boxes (editor’s note: Lame)
4. Atreides High All-Stars
3. Shield Wall Spartans
2. Friedman High Fremen
And the #1 Answer:
- Arrakeen Vo-Tech Athletics
[For Thursday 04/21/2022] – Top Ten Worst Reviews of Stark Industries on Glassdoor
10. “Toxic culture – guy holds a press conference and just pivots the entire business in one move? How am I supposed to feed my family as a laid-off weapons designer?”
9. “Pros: Good salary, on paper. Acts like they’re Google in the Interview process. Cons: Constant leadership changes, management fights can be lethal” – [Anonymous]
8. “Company dates back to 19th Century – so does it’s culture”- [Anonymous]
7. “Has over 20 subsidiary companies – none of whom are involved in keeping Tony Stark’s mouth in check”- [Anonymous]
6. “As a leader, Rhodes isn’t the same guy he used to be.”- [Anonymous]
5. “For a guy who hangs around gods all the time, Tony Stark still hasn’t figured out that he isn’t God.” – [Anonymous]
4. “Advice to Management: The coffee tastes like you brewed it in Iron Man’s cod-piece. Fix that.”- [Anonymous]
3. “I bought an apartment in Stark Towers – This building gets attacked on the weekly – WHERE’S MY IRON MAN SUIT??”- [Anonymous]
2. “I thought I left all the space goblins behind in my last job at Wal-Mart. Boy, was I wrong.”- [Anonymous]
and the #1 Answer …
- “No mentoring or coaching for internal employees but Ooh look, it’s a rando teen in spandex – HE’S MY PROTOGE” – [Anonymous]
All answers were anonymous, so no prizes given, but great job all around! You weirdos are funny, I’ll give you that. 🙂
Honorable Mentions
- “Based in New York / Los Angeles – Going remote isn’t an option unless your name is Tony Stark” – [Anonymous]
[04/14/2022] – Top Ten Catch Phrase ‘First Drafts’
10. “Open the girls locker room, HAL.” – Anonymous
9. “Where We’re Going, We Don’t Need Driveways.” – Anonymous
8. “I aim to miss …” – Anonymous
7. “Make it soon.” – Anonymous
6. Come With Me if You Want to Live – because right now life is kinda boring and we all need a pick-me-up once in a while so let’s use this Groupon for karaoke and tequila because there’s no way we can lose – Anonymous
5. “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Bacon-flavored Sprite, Mop slippers, Green TruMoo. All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain…” – Anonymous
4. “I have been, and always shall be, your Mary Kay consultant.” – Anonymous
3. “ET foam home!” – Anonymous
2. “The Forks will be with you, always.” – Anonymous
And the #1 Answer:
- You are … the Lincoln Navigator! – Anonymous
[04/07/2022] – Your Best / Worst Scifi ‘As Seen on TV’ Products
10. Lightsaber Pads – say good-bye to unsightly ‘laser sword’ calluses! – Anonymous
9. UFO Detector – warning, only works if you’re ten feet under the UFO – Anonymous
8. Jane Hat – combines evaporative cooling and UV protection from the sun’s visible and invisible rays; perfect for a hero! – Anonymous
7. Silicone Storage Containers – Airtight Lids – Leak-Proof for Soups, Sauces, and Cut-Off Hands! – Anonymous
6. BayMax Personal Healthcare Companion Patch Kit – except they’re nanobots that turn you into a pile of goo – Anonymous
5. Vertical Pod People Gardening Grow Bag Planter – Anonymous
4. Direct from Ceti Alpha Five – Ceti Eel Ultrasonic Pest Repeller Home Kit – Anonymous
3. Iron Man Brand Vibranium Nonstick Frying Pans – Anonymous
2. DIY Time Travel – as seen on Napoleon Dynamite! – Anonymous
And the #1 Answer:
- Mr Universe Indoor Amplifying & Broadcasting Antenna – You can’t stop this signal! – Anonymous
Honorable Mentions
- Alderaan Dream Cream – Proving pain relief to millions who suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced – Anonymous
- ‘Magic punching people’ pills – wanna be a superhero, take experimental drug S1004.0-E – scientician’s agree it might actually work! – *Warning, pills are just Tide Pods* – Anonymous
- Build Your Own Ray Gun With Household Equipment – Annoy your enemies, amaze your friends, zap pets into ashes! – Anonymous
- Deep Tissue Force Choke – Recommended by Darth Plagueis – Anonymous
3/31/2021 – Top Ten Headlines in the Mos Eisley Newspaper
10. Five Cheap Weekend Getaways from Toschi Station, Anchorhead
9. Cantina dollar drink night ends in tragedy – ‘he was harmless, now he’s armless.’
8. Krayt dragon attacks up by 25% – leaders blame ‘Mos Eisley Sprawl’
7. Empire makes surprise visit – is this the beginning of Imperial control?
6. Opinion: Bathna fodder shouldn’t cost this much
5. Style and Garden: Moisture Farm Must-Haves for Spring
4. Locals speak out on Jedi name-calling: “No YOU’RE the ‘Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy!”’
3. “Who Wrote ‘Jabba the Butt’ on My Palace?” Jabba offers 10K Imperial credit reward for name
2. Local council wants to relocate Jawas beyond Jundland Wastes – Jawas to Council: Ootini!
And the #1 Answer:
- Farm accident claims 2 – missing survivor sought for questioning
03/24/2022 – Top Ten Scandals in Spock’s Autobiography
10. King of the Intergalactic Kegger – [Anonymous]
9. “V’ger was a V’jerk.” – [Anonymous]
8. You can pick up AM radio with the ears – [Anonymous]
7. Closet Bieber fan – [Anonymous]
6. I wasn’t trying to kill myself in ‘Wrath of Khan,’ that was my face-tanning machine! – [Anonymous]
5. Worst part about burial in a torpedo tube? Trapped with all your farts. – [Anonymous]
4. Never wanted to be the captain; science officers don’t have to go down with the ship – [Anonymous]
3. #LLAP actually stands for ‘live, laugh, and poop.’ – [Anonymous]
2. “Pon farr every seven years? Try every seven hours.” – [Anonymous]
And the #1 Answer:
- Claims that Vulcan high counsel is just a bunch of idiots, sorry, intellectually inferior. – [jlcurtiss]
Congrats, jlcurtiss! Your free e-book is on the way – enjoy it!