Ran across a discussion on Reddit that made me think about the process of being an author. When discussing sage scifi, it’s important to acknowledge that listening to criticism is hard but we should do it anyway.
From a neuroscience perspective, criticism kicks off a number of potential responses. “When our self-esteem is threatened — when we have a setback or come across someone that we perceive to be better than us — the threat-protection system goes into action. We may attack ourselves, put down the other person or ‘flee’ from the knowledge of our own faults.”
That reality is a clear and present danger to writers, who must be able to take feedback in order to improve their work. Think of your story like a sword forged by a professional blacksmith – it doesn’t come out razor sharp from the molten steel. It gets honed, folded, re-heated dozens of times before it achieves the edge, flexibility, and strength necessary for survival in battle. For us, criticism is the heat, the folding, and sharpening that will make our tales battle-tested.
“Okay, fine. But criticism hurts,” you say. “What do I do about that?” I’m right there with you. Consider this Reddit comment on another group of people deal with criticism and sensitivity – parents. Read the comment below and then let’s come back to talk about what we learn:
Well, the broader context is that “Why are people mad when I’m just telling the truth?” is really quite an immature and reductive understanding of, well, the basics of human social interaction really. If you see someone on the bus who is fat and ugly, and you say “Hi, I think you’re fat and ugly. But I know it’s hard to keep in shape and that modern beauty standards are unrealistic”, then that’s still kind of a dick move, even if you’ve not said anything untrue.
There’s a huge difference between whether something is true, and whether it’s something that’s productive and helpful to say in a particular context.
In particular, criticism of something needs to be weighed against how much you personally benefit from that thing, how much effort they put into it, what the effect of the criticism will be (will it actually improve the thing, or just annoy the person?) and so on. For instance, if someone spends 20 hours baking you a special cake, and when you receive it you point out every flaw in the cake, then it’s pretty likely they won’t bake you a cake again. Here, “this is what is wrong with the cake” really means “I don’t value your time, and I feel entitled to higher quality goods from you, with no effort from me, even if it means extra effort on your part”.
So when it comes to parenting, really being a parent involves a complete revolution of your priorities and time and energy. Looking after this child becomes your number one focus, and everything else revolves around that. You have never put so much time, energy, and love into any one thing, and you probably never will again. From experience, a PhD in astrophysics is definitely easier than looking after a toddler.
So just saying “you’re a bad parent” is really saying “I have no compassion for the sacrifices and effort you have made for me, and I don’t really understand that my freedom and opportunities came at a cost to you, and I value my minor conveniences more than all the effort and pain you have put into me”. If you put a hundred hours into making a free gift for your dad, and he just said “it’s s—, try again”, then you’d be pissed off. But that is a tiny fraction of the amount of effort your parents have given to parenting you, and a tiny fraction of what you have received from them.
Though sometimes there are important points that do need to be raised, and there are definitely times when you need to say “I think this has been harmful and I really think it needs to change”. But these need to be specific points, and they need to be about things that can actually be changed or resolved in some way. It has to be more about helping things be better than just broadly insulting someone.
But overall, yes, there is a good reason why the default for calling someone a “bad parent” is that they get pissed off.
Maybe you were like me and this comment represented an ‘Author A-ha!’ moment. Writing also involves a complete revolution of your priorities and time and energy. Writing that story becomes your number one focus, and everything else revolves around that. You have never put so much time, energy, and love into any one thing, and you probably never will again.
So you can understand why someone going “your story sucked” is going to provoke visceral emotions. That person is saying ‘I have no compassion for the sacrifices and effort you put into this story, and I don’t really understand that my entertainment came at a cost to you. My opinion matters more than all the effort and pain you have put into me.’
Yeah, you’re gonna get pissed off.
Thing is, that kind of criticism – even if delivered in an unkind way – is still valuable. Incorporating their feedback into your next story will be valuable. Making your readers that much more interested in your work will be valuable. Being able to say “thank you for telling me” and being self-compassionate, rather than self-critical, will be valuable to you. All of those skills will help you rebound, leading to greater success and happiness in the long run.
So yeah, listening to criticism is hard but we should do it anyway. Do it for yourself, and tell me your favorite “I didn’t let their comment get to me” story in the Reddit thread below.
Discuss on Reddit
