Some Notes from Eugene while we wait for Global Silent Book Club Week (#GSBCW) to start. Eugene might be a beautiful place full of ugly people, sometimes the ugly people get their due as evinced by the saga of Ian on Olive. A neighborhood rapscallion decided that ‘hacking the system’ meant defrauding a lowly Doordash driver, and Internet Vigilante Justice ensued. Among the more hysterical examples of revenge, a core truth emerges that’s worth discussion about whether you’re Ian, a Doordash driver, a Eugenian, on neither.
I’m still learning how to communicate my pain and struggles so that people understand them. Since we’re all living in a semi-cozy dystopia, maybe you are, too. Hitting the right notes to inspire empathy without atrocity is a riddle I’m working to solve. Noteworthy is the need to remember that not everyone will get it. You can be the most pitiful person on the planet, and some people will simply piss on you. That’s not a reflection of you, that’s a reflection on them.
Snakes Look Like Love
Sad thing is, many trauma-broken people can’t connect the dots to reach that conclusion. There’s a reason therapists tell them: ‘some people get bit by a snake and seek medical attention – you’d get bitten by a snake and die standing there trying to get the snake to understand that it hurt you.’ Abuse and dysfunction damage the normal models of safety and protection and because snakes looks like love to you, you can unwittingly find yourself seeking shelter in a snake pit.
Or not.
Perhaps we can teach ourselves to avoid snakes in the future. Maybe we can give ourselves permission to say ‘no, bad snake!’ and move elsewhere. The key point learned from Ian on Olive is that, the right people will help. Our lives get better when we’re surrounded by people who look for reasons to check in, not excuses to check out. The Ian on Olive debacle was resolved by a number of people who looked for reasons to check in and care about their neighbor – A great lesson for all of us.
How Do We Fix This?
How do you know who’s going to look for reasons to check in versus excuses to check out? That takes time and experience. You have to learn to trust your gut. I’m starting to adopt the ‘one and done’ philosophy simply out of survival. ‘I don’t understand but I’d like to’ is a million miles from ‘Why should I help? What’s in it from me?’ Helpers, people like Jim Henson or Bob Ross or Kimberly Bryant, don’t have to be lured into compassion and empathy.
Give yourself permission if you request empathy and compassion and the other person keeps making excuses for why they can’t help. Take it from this recovering Trauma Kid: if you know it’s gonna be bad but they don’t believe you unless you articulate exactly ‘how’ it’s gonna be bad, just walk away – they aren’t going to help you because they’re looking for excuses to check out, not reasons to check in.
Thank you for waiting for an update from me – I’ve been head-down on the details for making Global Silent Book Club Week into a living, breathing, and safe virtual event. To wrap these notes from Eugene up, I remind you that #GSBCW is an experiment in human connection and altruism. I can’t solve the world, but I can sit with you, and you’re welcome to sit with me. Even if you’re Ian – yes, even Ian deserves a chance to experience human connection as a means of reconciliation. As long as he behaves himself.
