Notes from Eugene on an unseasonably pleasant spring day. Sunshine and clouds and blue sky juxtapose mid-state Oregonian mayhem lurking around corners and in dark doorways. Sometimes the menace takes the form of hardware store hackery. If it’s not the morbidly obese landlord atop the Rascal scooter arguing about cheap sink faucets at the local hardware store, it’s the unhoused person with a face like a sundried tomato wandering the aisles. Then there’s the weary teen hauling rolls of Romex electrical wire for an online order – Clean up on Aisle 18.
Cat Killers attempt four-legged foul play on our feline fraternities. They have a suspect description already – ‘EPD is asking for help from the public to locate the person of interest seen running down the hill. He is described as a Hispanic man in his 20s, 6-feet-tall, with an average build, shaved head, and a ponytail, and last seen wearing a red shirt. The man drove off in a vehicle described as a dark colored Acura sedan with the partial plate of ‘8908’. Eugene Police would also appreciate information about the victim cat, described as a young brown tabby female (not spayed). Please call 541-682-5748 if you have tips.’
I hugged Mason and Moxie extra tight upon the news. Our animal friends look upon us with such trust – it sickens me that someone could violate their peace so casually. They aren’t the only sufferers of suburban slithy toves. A creeper has been peeping in the local windows and Eugene PD would like a word. Call 541-799-5720, and ask for Detective John Yu. Reference Case-Number 25-088338 if you have any information.
For those of you in the writing game – another ridiculous AI writer story. This time, Quartz embarrassing itself by replacing the human writers with AI. Quartz bill itself as ‘a guide to the new global economy for people who are excited by change.’ Their CEO will likely be on a street corner near you, asking for spare change. It’s their readers to lose, their mistake to make.
Finally, a reminder to Trader Joe thumpers of innocent third parties – that’s considered assault and battery and you might end up complementing your Pirate’s Booty with a hand-crafted knuckle sandwich from the deli aisle.
In conclusion – although it’s a beautiful spring day in Eugene, keep your eyes open. Vigilance, after all, is the price of safety.
