Some of you have been asking for an update from me and here’s the answer: I’ve got major changes to make to Mike.Sierra.Echo. That means a total re-write on the novel – something I wasn’t planning on doing. Part of me is like ‘yay – I can see what’s wrong with my work and how to fix it.’ Another part of me is like ‘oh man, so many hours and days and months and years … wasted.’ You go through a full grief lifecycle when the project you thought was ‘done’ isn’t done and I’m no exception.
How did we get here? I got some incredibly useful beta reader feedback on Mike.Sierra.Echo. Some things are good, but others need to be improved. I needed to re-examine the entire structure of the novel and ask myself if it fits any kind of standard story structure. In all honesty, the answer is no and that’s a really hard thing to admit.
I don’t go into my novel projects intending to not succeed. My original inception with Mike.Sierra.Echo was a beautiful 3 o’clock-in-the-morning dream where I saw the space elevator rising from the Earth over Pink Floyd’s ‘On the Turning Away.’ From there was that wonderful divine spark of ‘this is an amazing story I can tell.’ You’ve been a fellow traveler on this crazy, superlative journey.
If I’m being honest – I feel like I’ve let you the reader down. Chasing this so hard, assuming I Had The Answers, It’ll Work – Just Trust Me was a viable response. Well, Jackson – you bet big on this one and now you’ve lost. Gambling ain’t fun – winning is fun – losing a bet is always painful. I’ve let myself down. I’ve disappointed everyone who believes in me. That’s really hard to say.
This experience forces me to acknowledge: dang. I missed key growth experiences that I’m still paying the price for as a middle-aged adult. What would life have been like if I wasn’t this broken? I could have been so much farther down the path of Mike.Sierra.Echo if I did these basic, fundamental changes at the beginning. My career could have been so much farther by now. Will I get *somewhere* before it’s too late? I really am my own worst enemy, sometimes. Sucks. I’ve needed to sit with it for a minute.
Creating art means creating yourself. ‘Creativity is an illeism that allows you to put your emotions, your experience in the third person so you can step back and gain perspective you’d never get otherwise. Create your art, let your art create you.’ I still believe that, but Oh Lord – sometimes that process is more painful and uncomfortable than you can imagine. The only reason it works – the only reason I’m determined to keep going is because there is literally nowhere else to go.
Just as David Foster Wallace expresses a ‘terror beyond falling,’ there’s a terror beyond failure that I’ve always been running away from. Art, creativity, in all its painful forms – so much better than the alternative of toxic acceptance. You can’t do it, don’t bother, it’s okay, we understand. You understand I’m doing it tough, but do you know what happens if I stop trying? Do you understand the monstrous nightmares lurking in the darkness for the frustrated and despondent population of this boring dystopia?
For me – and others – creativity is the only answer. Finding and harnessing the divine spark instead of letting it die, or convincing others to let theirs die – that simply cannot be. I can’t accept it, I won’t accept it. That’s why I have to begin again.
Thank you for being a fellow traveler, thank you for your kind words of support, thank you for believing in me and helping me believe in myself. I have a lot of writing to do, but it’s important to say all of these things. My gratitude is immeasurable.
