Superhero Shrink: Alpha
“Admit it – I’m the weirdest patient you’ve ever seen.” It’s a rainy Thursday afternoon. Bill Clinton is in my office, and the former President is down in the dumps.
“You aren’t even the weirdest patient I’ve seen today, Bill. How did it start?”
“I don’t want to talk about that.”
“You don’t have to, of course. But don’t you think you should?” I check my notes. “Bill Lucas. Fifty-three, resident of Georgia-“
“EX-resident of Georgia. Sleeping on my brother’s couch in Panama City right now.”
“Unemployed-“
“Have you tried working when you’ve got this face?” Bill gestures at his tired, famous features. “Can’t work at a Wal-Mart, they spit on you. I can’t even shop at Dollar General … it’s terrible!”
“I can imagine.”
“No, you can’t. People want selfies – I tried charging five dollars a shot, but somebody kicked me in the shin.”
“Oh dear …”
Bill Lucas straightened up. “I was just trying to make extra money to pay for car repairs. How is that a crime?”
“Well, let’s talk about how it happened.” I said. “You got the call as an adult – a shape-shifting superhero.”
“Right.”
“Things were going okay for a while.”
“Sure – Some cool rescues, undercover operations. I had to impersonate a gangster – got to be the Godfather for a week. ‘Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this justice a gift on my daughter’s wedding day.’”
“Doesn’t work as Bill Clinton.”
“Tell me about it. Shapeshifting has some weird challenges – it killed my marriage. She was always asking me to be someone else – John Stamos, Harrison Ford. She wasn’t in love with me anymore.”
“That’s when things started to go bad.”
“Right. So, there I was, my podcast show guest was Dustin Diamond – he cancelled on me.”
“I know that name …”
“’Screech’ from Saved by the Bell?”
“Oh, right.”
“I was outta options, so I did the entire show as myself and ‘Dustin.’ It was foolproof.”
“He died years ago. You’ve been doing this for a while, haven’t you?”
“Sure … nobody cared when I did D-list celebrities.
“But then you graduated to bigger names. The lawyers came calling, the Union smelled trouble. Doctor Xanthic performed one of his ‘superhero downgrade’ operations.”
“My show ended, my fans cancelled me.” Bill’s shoulder’s slump. ““Sometimes you commit a misdemeanor and it turns into a capital crime.”
“Let’s look at this crisis as an opportunity,” I tell my patient. “The Union can’t keep your powers from you forever – you’ll be back in the game.”
“But I’m Bill Clinton, now. I don’t even like politics. How’d you like it, Monica Lewinsky jokes and MAGA hats every dang day?”
“Like I said, crisis can be an opportunity. What are you learning from this?”
“Other than ‘don’t pretend to be Bill Clinton?’”
“That’s a start. What’s the bright side of this?”
“At least I don’t look like Hitler, or Alex Jones.”
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