Quick Note About Yours Truly …

I scored a screener of Blade Runner 2049 thanks to some industry contacts and yes, it’s a beautiful film. More on that later. Current events last week put me in a bit of a personal tailspin, and after watching Blade Runner, I thought it important to tell you a little bit more about myself.

If you’ve been following the blog for a while, you know that I’ve been diagnosed with a severe social anxiety disorder. I don’t want to say more, because I’ve learned that people often hear ‘social anxiety disorder’ as ‘I’ll be okay to be with people if you push me enough.’

It’s not that easy at all.

After a number of episodes and breakdowns, I started to get help for my problems. However, this isn’t something that goes away over time. There are a few things I’ve had to accept as more or less permanent. As of last year, I was put on permanent disability which precludes me holding down a regular job.

Despite my new circumstances, I want to find a way to experience life. While watching Blade Runner, I was taken with Dr. Ana Stelline, played with a minimalist sense of elegance by Carla Juri. I won’t spoil the movie because you really should see it for yourself. But pay special attention to her character when you see her, because she explained a lot about my personal situation.

Alone, trapped by a compromised immune system, Stelline still manages to carve out a rich life for herself. She’s an imaginator, we find out. Her job is to imagine and record dreams that will eventually be uploaded into the memories of replicants.

Her life is about giving life to others, and Stelline seems to find a deep sense of satisfaction out of her role. She’s making a life for herself, by imagining lives for others. I connected with her character more than anyone else in Blade Runner.

One of the best things about stories is how they make you feel a little less alone in the world. Even though my circumstances haven’t changed and I will be unable to talk in public about the work I discuss online, I’m at least happier today than I was yesterday. Now I know that I’m not the only one who finds their own way in the world through the power of their imagination.  It felt good. First time in a long while that I’ve felt that way and Blade Runner 2049 is the reason why. If I could say only one thing to Denis Villeneuve, it would be: Thank you.

I’ve updated the About Page to reflect this insight on my condition. If you’re interested in learning more, you might check out:

Andrew Kukes Foundation for Social Anxiety

The Social Anxiety Association